Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Confessions of a mother with manic depression ~ Guest Blog

I thought we might explore natural beauty and mental health.  Are there certain mental health issues we see as ok and others we see as bad or ugly?  When it comes to mental health does it make a person unattractive in societies eyes?  For e.g. Emo's, sad gloomy people.  They may be seen as unattractive because they're so negative to be around.  What are your thoughts on this topic?

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Today I feel close to tears, very sad, very depressed.  I wish the world would go away.  Little things set me off and I struggle to hold back the tears.  I want to stay in bed all day and forget about my life and my own private blackness.  I hate feeling this way.  I’ve got children to look after and work to do.  I go about my day putting on my mummy face, interacting with my children, smiling, talking to them, and all the while wondering why I feel so sad, when will it go away and why don’t I feel good about my life?  I’ve got gorgeous children, a wonderful man who is a great hands on dad and great provider, not to mention easy on the eye. I’ve got a roof over my head, my work, my hobbies, my art, supportive friends.  I am aware I should feel thankful for my life and all its blessings.  I am aware there are people out there who get up to a day far worse than mine.  Yet this does not change my disposition.  In fact I feel worse because I should be out there crusading for a better world instead of wallowing and hibernating.

There aren’t many people know I have MD/BP.  From the outside I appear normal, well balanced, educated, smiling and friendly.  All the while I feel antisocial and want to avoid people.  I am constantly worried people will find out I’m sad so I don’t spend a lot of time with people.  I don’t like making friends or having spontaneous visitors or phone calls because I cannot fake happiness on the really bad days. It is hard to explain to people why I’m suddenly shutting them out. It is easier not to let them in in the first place.  I don’t like to leave the house when I’m depressed so we often run out of food when I’m down.  I often won’t answer the phone for days, some times weeks.  I don’t like doing any of the normal day to day things because when I’m badly depressed I cannot even motivate myself to do the dishes.

On my really bad days I don’t like spending time with my children and I feel bad about that.  I get angry with them for wanting to be near me and can’t understand why they won’t or don’t leave me alone.  I fear that the more time they spend with me the more they will see the emptiness and sadness in my eyes.  I worry that it is a learned thing or that genetically I’ve passed it onto them.  I worry that if they figure out I have MD they will be worried they have it too.  I worry that one of my son’s has it and it’s because I gave it to him.  I don’t want to burden them with it.  So I shut them out… and feel guilty and sad for that too.  I feel a lot of guilt - why can’t I pull myself out of it with all the positive thoughts about my family and life? 
My man didn’t know about it when he met me.  Very few people ever realise.  At first he didn’t understand.  He went through a time of wishing he didn’t get the ‘defective’ model because he doesn’t know how to make it work.  Over time he has come to terms with my ups and downs.  He tries his best to be understanding and he is great to have around when I’m down most times, because he takes care of everything (while I wallow in my sadness and emptiness).

If I’m lucky it will only be a day or three at the most.  If I’m unlucky the mood can drag on for months, with a bit of UP time in between.  If I’m extra lucky I will go a good few weeks or months before the down moods hit me again.  I love the times when I feel happy.  Life is good and I enjoy my family, I enjoy doing all the normal activities.  I smile and enjoy life… until the next time a sad mood hits me.

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1 comment:

  1. YES Thank you so MUCH anonymous for sharing your story.

    There are SO many of us in similar shoes darling. I'm bawling reading your post as, you've worded it so beautifully.

    Sending you lots of e-love and e-hugs XOXOXO
    Amanda xoxoxo