Wednesday, 25 April 2018

How My Depression Gets In The Way

On a date with hubby and too down to smile... :(
For the past several weeks I've been struggling to want to get out of bed, to face the world, to get the work done, to exist... to smile.

I had been feeling pretty good for a couple of months then all of a sudden, without notice, I came crashing down and haven't been able to shake this mood.

It's how I've always been and as much as I don't like being this way there isn't anything I can do to change who/how I am.  I can do as many positive things as I can to try and move through the feeling but I'll never be like those shiny happy people who manage to face the world day in day out.

It's one of the reason I work for myself, because it isn't acceptable (yet) for an employee to ring work and say, "I can't come in today because I'm struggling to get out of bed."  We can have migraines, colds, flu, death in the family etc. but we cannot call up and say, "I have depression... can't come in."

My depression gets in the way of friendships, work, my relationship, my children...

Friendships are affected because sometimes I just can't face people, can't face answering the phone, talking to people, seeing people.  For the most part I can fake it.  I can go out with friends and fake smile and try to laugh at their funny jokes and stories yet inside I'm dying a little from the struggle of having to 'act'.

Work (the home salon) is even harder because my energy affects those who are near me, especially one on one.  If I have weeks were I can barely function because I can't crack a smile... this energy will spill out of me and I find I don't get clients when I'm in these moods - surprise surprise!  Needless to say it doesn't surprise me my home salon is not thriving...  My moods swings can be too extreme for me to function.

It affects my children in that I won't go to their school for interviews or organise play dates if I'm in a mood.  And quite often I avoid people simply because they won't understand why I'm suddenly being antisocial and unable to interact with them or be pleasant.  Instead I shy away and avoid contact.

It affects my relationship because my husband probably thought he was getting someone 'normal' (what ever that looks like) only to find he has a woman who will mope around for days/weeks and struggle to get out of bed.  He has said he wishes I'd get a 'real' job... he thinks that would make me better/less sad/less time to think and be down.  If only it were that easy.  I remember working outside the house and how torturous it was for me and for those I worked with - when I would be all sad and moody and people would have to deal with my sad moods.

This is why I sell online!!!!  I can still be down from behind my computer screen and get the job done.  No one needs to see my sad face or feel my sad vibes or even know I have depression.  I can still reply to emails and questions and do online things without it affecting my lovely customers.  I might struggle to get out of bed but it's rare that I won't get an order done because I feel down, mostly because making products is a flow activity for me which can help with my moods.

Do you have depression?  How does it affect your life?  How do you deal with your mood swings when they happen?


Monday, 9 April 2018

My Garden Keeps Me Alive

If not for my garden I might go a little stir crazy.  Inside the house is tedious at times and even more so because I spend most of my there.  Sure I can paint or colour in, I can create or read a book.  Yet outside is so much more appealing, even on cloudy days (especially on cloudy days!)

random garden art: two old metal bars through wire fencing

It's nice to get out in the garden, check on how plants are doing, check out how they're growing and what they're producing, or check if they're dying and need more attention.  It might be new flours, new fruit, new leaves, new growth... exponential growth.

There is nothing clean lined or neat about my garden.  It's a jungle with interesting bits of undergrowth and hidden plants, spots of garden art and favourite sitting areas.  Mind you what I call garden art is random bits of stuff (maybe junk to some) that I kind of piece together to make something 'eye catching' - or just 'there', 'different'.  Nothing particularly 'arty' about them.

shady spot to sit under the olive tree
I don't have a lot of muscles... well technically I have the same as everyone else - though not quite as strong... but I do like to use them by rolling heavy pots about, digging, cutting wire, pruning, climbing up and down ladders.  Gardening is an active thing.

There is also the produce which the whole family enjoys: pumpkins, olives, herbs, lemons.  It's all very exciting to go out and find things are thriving or ready to enjoy.  Being able to grown and eat things from the garden makes it just a little bit more special, more personal, more enjoyable.  Plus the neighbours grown different things and sometimes we get to trade.

always something to see or find
Things I never / rarely have to do: weeding [link], lawn moving, pulling out, killing off.  The garden was well prepped to combat weeds long term.  There is NO lawn to mow; it's all bark and stones and plants and paths.  It's rare that something requires removing or changing spots.  It's rare that something takes over and requires kulling.

If you're a garden lover what is it about your garden and being outside that appeals to you?