How My Depression Gets In The Way

On a date with hubby and too down to smile... :(

For the past several weeks I've been struggling to want to get out of bed, to face the world, to get the work done, to exist... to smile.

I had been feeling pretty good for a couple of months then all of a sudden, without notice, I came crashing down and haven't been able to shake this mood.

It's how I've always been and as much as I don't like being this way there isn't much I can do to change who/how I am.  I can do as many positive things as I can to try and move through the feeling but I'll never be like those shiny happy people who manage to face the world day in day out.

It's one of the reasons I work for myself, because it isn't acceptable (yet) for an employee to ring work and say, "I can't come in today because I'm struggling to get out of bed."  "Can't adult today!"  We can have migraines, colds, flu, death in the family etc. yet we cannot call up and say, "I have depression... can't come in."

My depression gets in the way of friendships, outside work, my relationship, my children...

Friendships are affected because sometimes I just can't face people, can't face answering the phone, talking to people, seeing people.  During these times I hide out for days and weeks.  For the most part I can fake it.  I can go out with friends and fake smile and try to laugh at their funny jokes and stories yet inside I'm dying a little from the struggle of having to 'act' and wishing I felt joy.

Work (home salon) is hard because my energy affects wanting to see clients, especially if it's a procedure that requires lots of conversation.  I pretend to be fine and cheerful with clients yet I worry that my inner feelings can be sensed.  I have weeks were I can barely function because I can't crack a smile... and (thankfully) I find the Gods are in my favour during these times and usually don't send clients my way when I'm sad.  My mood swings can be too extreme for me to function.

It affects my children in that I won't go to their school for interviews or organise play dates if I'm feeling low.  And quite often I avoid people simply because they won't understand why I'm suddenly being antisocial and unable to interact with them or be cheerful.  I'm too hot and cold and people don't understand that and take it personally.  Instead I shy away and avoid letting people get too close.  For example, I bumped into a school mother in the supermarket where I was hiding my sadness behind sunglasses.  She happily approached me all talkative and I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.  I did my best to hide my mood yet I could tell by her expression that I was failing big time!  She didn't understand my lack of genuine happiness, probably assumed I didn't like her, and stopped being my friend.

It affects my relationship because my husband probably thought he was getting someone 'normal' (what ever that looks like) only to find he has a woman who will mope around for days/weeks/months and struggle to get out of bed some days.  He has often said he wishes I'd get a 'real' job... because he thinks me working outside the house would make me feel better/less sad/less time to think and be down.  If only it were that easy.  I've worked outside, in 'real' jobs, and it was torturous pretending to be fine.  I would be happy and jovial one day then sad and withdrawn the next.  People would wonder why I was being 'off' or 'quiet'.

This is why I sell online!!!!  I can still be down from behind my computer screen and get the job done.  No one needs to see my sad face or feel my sad vibes or even know I have depression.  I can still reply to emails and questions and do online things without it affecting my lovely customers.  I might struggle to get out of bed but it's rare that I won't get an order done because of my depression, mostly because making products is a flow activity for me which can help with my moods.

In saying that, I've been making and selling natural skin care for years and the fact that I'm still yet to make a livable income is one of my biggest depression triggers. I can't help but feel that when I'm finally successful i.e. having daily orders, I'll feel better because I'll be doing an activity I love. Unlike how it is now where I get up, check for orders, have so few and feel really down - like a giant loser who is wasting her life away. Worse still, I've no way of gathering orders because so little of what I've tried and am trying is working (I feel like I am largely ignored and irrelevant - why am I bothering, what's the point?). No wonder hubby wants me to get a 'real' job... he thinks I'm wasting my time on this work (trying to save people from toxic chemicals) and that's it's pointless and leading to nothing but 'failure'.

It's hard having depression and failing at my work, and having a husband who comments on that failure, reiterating how I'm already feeling...

I don't have suicidal ideations so much as I often just feel like I could disappear (quit social media, close the website, go off into the wilderness etc.) and no one would care.  I have family that have lived past 100 and I move between wondering how old I'll live to, and how long I want to live.  My children keep me alive because they need me and would be devastated if I was gone... and yet I have days where I feel like I can't do this anymore, what's the point, no one cares anyway etc. etc.

Do you have depression?  How does it affect your life?  How do you deal with your mood swings when they happen?  How do you cheer yourself up?
  

My Garden Keeps Me Alive

If not for my garden I might go a little stir crazy.  Inside the house is tedious at times and even more so because I spend most of my there.  Sure I can paint or colour in, I can create or read a book.  Yet outside is so much more appealing, even on cloudy days (especially on cloudy days!)

random garden art: two old metal bars through wire fencing

It's nice to get out in the garden, check on how plants are doing, check out how they're growing and what they're producing, or check if they're dying and need more attention.  It might be new flours, new fruit, new leaves, new growth... exponential growth.

There is nothing clean lined or neat about my garden.  It's a jungle with interesting bits of undergrowth and hidden plants, spots of garden art and favourite sitting areas.  Mind you what I call garden art is random bits of stuff (maybe junk to some) that I kind of piece together to make something 'eye catching' - or just 'there', 'different'.  Nothing particularly 'arty' about them.

shady spot to sit under the olive tree

I don't have a lot of muscles... well technically I have the same as everyone else - though not quite as strong... but I do like to use them by rolling heavy pots about, digging, cutting wire, pruning, climbing up and down ladders.  Gardening is an active thing.

There is also the produce which the whole family enjoys: pumpkins, olives, herbs, lemons.  It's all very exciting to go out and find things are thriving or ready to enjoy.  Being able to grown and eat things from the garden makes it just a little bit more special, more personal, more enjoyable.  Plus the neighbours grown different things and sometimes we get to trade.

always something to see or find

Things I never / rarely have to do: weeding [link], lawn moving, pulling out, killing off.  The garden was well prepped to combat weeds long term.  There is NO lawn to mow; it's all bark and stones and plants and paths.  It's rare that something requires removing or changing spots.  It's rare that something takes over and requires kulling.

If you're a garden lover what is it about your garden and being outside that appeals to you?